One cat says to another, “I’d get so much more done if only I could get by on seventeen hours of sleep.

Your chances of getting killed by a cat are low.

But never zero.

"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” ―Terry Pratchett

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

Because it scares the dog!

Did you hear about the snail that was beaten up by two turtles?

Its friends were looking for revenge, so they wanted to know: “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this?”

“No,” the snail answered. “It all happened so fast.”

What do you get when you mate a rhino with a canary?

Depends - if the canary is the female, you get a dead bird!

So a termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bartender here?"

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

A friend of mine is a veterinarian. He is also a taxidermist.

He has a sign on the side of his car that reads, “Either way, you get your dog back.”

Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk we fall asleep. When we're asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven.” ―Brian O'Rourke

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ―Dave Barry

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ―Henny Youngman

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” ―Dean Martin

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel ashamed - then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyard, and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink, and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.” ―Babe Ruth

“I’m giving up drinking, for a month.”

(oops, incorrect punctuation)

“I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.”

“Alcohol doesn't solve problems. But then again, neither does milk.”

“If you like to drink, you know when the liquor store closes. If you are an alcoholic, you know when it opens.”

“24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ―Steven Wright

“Wine is proof that God wants us to be happy.” ―Ben Franklin

“50% of my life is spent wondering if it's too late to drink coffee. And the other 50% is spent wondering if it's too early to drink alcohol.”

“Scotch is an acquired taste. If you don't like it, then you should acquire some taste.”

What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall?

Damn.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course not! Houses can't jump.

Math Problem: John has 32 candy bar. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Na-cho cheese.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

What kind of coffee did they serve on the titanic?

Sanka

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, “For you? No charge.”

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

"No," he says, "I'm traveling light."

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”* the police officer asks, incredulously.

“No,”* replies Heisenberg, “but I know exactly where I am!”

I just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person. All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bartender here?"

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper! ―Scottish Proverb

At dinner the son asks, Why is the food cold and bland?

Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no clue what the heck he did wrong.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Husband: babe, if I die, would you remarry?

Wife: no honey, I would stay with my sister. But if I would die, would you remarry?

Husband: No, I too would stay with your sister.

"When you see your ex getting beaten up by a group of people and you think to yourself... maybe I should help.

Naw: they got enough people."

At the Irish wedding reception the DJ yelled: "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are at a nice bar in Boston. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?", they asked.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No", replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.